I'm on stage. So swing sweetie, and don't complain. If you lost a hundred pounds you'd be starving in more ways than one.

Okay, costume, you're neatly hung. Do I have to stare at all that blubber while I scrape off the makeup? Those tits look like sofa pillows with eyes. I know that limpid Mandarin silk kimono I got in Chinatown. Where is it? Ahhh! Slick silk over sticky ham-thighs. Thin folds pleating into all my cracks and rolls. This neckline makes me look like Sophie Tucker imitating Jayne Mansfield. And these sleeves are just too much! Hope no one comes in; this drag is for hotel rooms only. Oh spit! Who is it? Shall I go to the door as Princess Turandot or the mountain of flesh? The hell with it! Anyone backstage knows I'm not the burlap type.

"A note for me? Thank you, Sam. Ain't it hot today? Yes, matinees are à real bore. Especially in summer. Well, thanks again. See you tonight.. Byebye."

This should be a pain-in-the-neck. Which relative's relative saw the show this time?

Dear Mr. Bullard,

I enjoyed your performance very much. May I buy you a drink, as soon as you are free? I'm waiting for you at the Showtime Bar across the street. We have never met and we have no mutual acquaintances that I know of, however I would very much like to meet you. Can you give me this privilege?

Hopefully, Grant McClintock 1

Good grief! It sounds like a mash note! If I didn't have a mirror, I'd think I was slim and lovely. He must be some kind of a nut. Or a salesman. Or some slimy.con artist looking for an easy shake-down. Or.....oh shut up, girl! It's the first blind date you've had since nursery school so stop stalling. You know you're gonna just run across the street out' of blind curiosity

∞

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ifnothing else. Nothing else! I haven't been laid since that degenerate bellhop in Salt Lake City. Ten dollars indeed! I remember the little creep took the five real quick when the chips were down. Slimy little fink. Where's the cold cream?

2. THE BAR

Well, here I am, but who the hell is he? This joint looks like Theatre Guild meets Faggot U. for olives at twenty paces. "Wonderful performance, Mr. Bullard! You had us just screaming!" "Thank you, dears, you're so kind."

If I had to wear a hat like that I'd be screaming too. Those peonies look positively man-eating. All of which reminds me, where is my secret admirer? "Hi there, Bully! Did I tell you that my party's been changed from Tuesday to Wednesday? You've really got to come this time. Lots of very, very, very important people coming. Got to mix if you really want to get ahead, dear. No excuses, just be there. I've promised scads of people you'd come and do one of your funny, funny, funny scenes for us. Won't that be fun, fun, fun? See you then, then, then!"

“Wouldn't miss it, love. Slip the address under my dressing room door tomorrow first thing, so's I won't forget."

And then I'll shove, shove, shove it up my toilet bowl so it won't contaminate the whole room. Every time I go to one of your parties, Miss Moustache, you get me drunk enough to entertain your friends and then just as the shirts are coming off you hustle me out the door like I was the vice squad. I warm 'em up and you do all the scoring. Phooey! That's not this fat lady's idea of fun, fun, fun! I don't need a warm-up to go home and jack...

"Hi, Tits! Come join our table when you get your drink. We've got some sweet people who'd love to meet you."

"In a minute, sweetie. I'm meeting someone.

If that toe queen thinks I'm going to share my mystery guest with her, she's much mistaken! Even if he's 97, that perverted little poppy would be under the table with his foot in her mouth before the first drink was down! "Mister Bullard? Did you get my note? I'm Grant."

Omigod, then I'm Richmond!

"Oh hello! There's a little table. Let's sit down and order. I can't seem to reach the bar or the bartender and oh my I certainly need a drink in the worst way. It's been such a hectic afternoon. There! That's better! Hello, Grant."

Good grief, he's gorgeous! Is his hair iron-grey or just black with silver threads? Anyway it's real and thick and becoming as all get-out. He can't be more than thirty-five, yet so kind of sexy-distinguished. And that nice 9